It Doesn’t Matter How I Grew Up

Parents divorced when I was 5. I haven’t seen my real mom since. I was left to the care of a drunken violent abusive sumbitch and his sweet saintly mom.That grandmother hasn’t never ceased her prayers for me even to this day.

For the record she never stopped praying for that sumbitch father of mine either.

I was saved when I was 7. This bus ministry part of a Baptist church in Oklahoma City that came by and picked up us kids every single Sunday

I know John 3:16 because of those buses. I still know the books of the Bible to this day because of those buses. I know what hell is because of those buses. I know what heaven is because of those buses. I knew that Jesus came down and died on the cross so I could go to heaven and be with God when I died because of those buses.

I got to meet God because of those buses.

Yea, maybe I grew up in an abusive home. I remember times I would try reading the Bible, being called by my dad to have his way with me sexually and then go right back to reading the Bible in my room.

I do remember my dad and stepmom beating the crap out of me with the buckle end of the belt for stealing food from the kitchen because I was starving because my parents were too lazy to fix anything for us kids to eat.

Sure we were locked in our rooms all day long because our parents didn’t want to be bothered with us.

Try to figure out how to use the bathroom if you are locked in your room all day. Your bathroom is not attached to the room.

After my dad and stepmom had too many kids to take care of, that same grandmother, armed with the rights of managerial custody, came and took me and my brother away.

My father had the audacity to come sit down in our bedroom and actually ask if we wanted to go live with grandma.

I packed up what little clothes I had into a trashbag and was ready to go in 30 seconds flat.

You best believed I wanted to get out of hell.

You Can Barely Hear Me Breathe As The Chains Tightened Around My Neck

I now live with my grandmother at the age of 12.

Wow, I am going to church on a regular basis.

Wow, I get an allowance of $2.50 per week and all you want is some chores done? Done.

During those previous 7 years of hell, I was the only one being sexually abused while only 4 of the 6 kids were beaten for one reason or other.

I don’t know why 2 kids were saved from the abuse. I never could figure that out.

I was just glad I wasn’t being abused anymore now that I live with my grandma.

Maybe my dad and stepmom stopped the beatings. Maybe my dad stopped the sexual abuse when I left the house.

Boy, that would be almost great if you could get something good out of that story.

By the way, it never stopped.

By the way, I was too much of a coward to say a word. Again, I am glad it stopped for me. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was hopeful.

While I didn’t have a male role model living in my house, God kept sending Godly men my way. Through Bethesda Community Church. Through A/G’s Royal Rangers program. Somehow, God found a way to pour the foundation into my life.

But I kept jacking up the foundation.

Shockingly enough, I was introduced to porn at a really young age. That crap came back to haunt me during my teenage years.

Seriously.

I got to one point in my life where I was trying to get rid of the lust in my heart on my own. I failed. Oh I failed so hard. I was outside washing my car and I just sat and cried right there on my driveway because I knew that lust and porn were going to be a part of my life from here on out. It was the way things were going to be.

Without question, I couldn’t talk to anybody else about this shame and guilt.

Just like the shame and guilt of growing up poorer than poor because my parents were too lazy and drunk to take care of us. That is something I get to carry for the rest of my life.

Just like the shame, guilt, frustration and anger of being sexually and physically abused. That is something I get to carry for the rest of my life.

I figured if I can strive to be normal, then I would get better. I would be better off.

I worked my ass off to be normal. I worked my ass off just to appear as though none of that stuff happened to me as a kid.

When I was 17, I found out that my dad and stepmom continue the abuse onto my 4 remaining half brother and sisters. I found out because I came home from school and my grandmother told me that my dad and stepmom were sitting in jail awaiting trial for child abuse and neglect.

She tells me, “It is all lies. The police got those kids to lie about their parents.”

For the first time in my life, I grew a pair. “No, grandma, they are not lies. I have to share something with you.”

For my last year of high school, I get to have counselors, detectives, cops, therapists, psychologists and sex therapists telling me I am normal and it is a miracle that nothing is wrong with me.

Oh there were plenty things wrong with me. Nothing they could help with or even begin to cure.

My grandmother disbelieved everything that was true. My brother boldly defended the innocence of my dad.

I graduated high school. I was about to enter into the United States Air Force.

I Would Have Been Vomited Out

I am in the Air Force.

My dad and stepmom were so sure of their innocence that they take their case to court. The courts then sentences them to life in prison.

Wow, that should have healed me and made me normal.

Why do I still have all this bitterness, coldness, darkness and hopelessness inside?

Why would it be effortless for me to kill my dad with my bare hands at any given notice? Why would I feel that way for the next 14 years?

My boss finds out about the sentencing of my dad and stepmom and schedules the base psychologist and the base chaplain for ongoing sessions for me.

I ended up dating the chaplain’s daughter. That was pretty cool.

Unrelated to dating the chaplain’s daughter (the colonel was cool with it), my Air Force career ended short.

Again, score one for trying to remain normal.

I come back home.

I figure out computers are easy.

I start fixing them. On a server level. They called me a “Systems Administrator” or “Pro Geek”. Either way it was money in my pocket.

I met one girl. Preacher’s kid so she has to be saved, right? Of course.

While I was dating her, I started getting into this book “Left Behind”. (I am not even bother to linking it because everybody and their mothers has read the series.)

While I was reading this book, I was getting to the parts where these fictional characters were accepting salvation. I started to cry. (Insert comparisons to Jeremiah here).

My girlfriend’s response to that, “I swear if YOU EVER become a pastor, minister or whatever the f*ck, I will divorce your ass in a heartbeat.”

Someone whispered into my heart: “You should be a pastor. You should minister to others. You could lead the lost home.”

My response, “Hell no. I can’t do that. That is for men of God. I am just saved. I am not qualified.”

I pushed that Whisper out.

I ended up marrying this girl.

Since I know how to run servers and in combination with my porn addiction, I started into the porn industry.

First it started with all things tech. But people I worked with started noticing my people skills. I should do others things in the industry like talk to people.

I was neck deep into this manure.

No, I didn’t have close relationships with other Christians.

It was okay with my wife because I was bringing in more money into the family. Can’t you tell how wonderful of a husband I was when I am not even trying to lead our marriage?

Score another one for trying to be normal.

God gave us a son. Why in the hell He did that I am still trying to wrap my head around that till this day.

I am still neck deep.

But I can’t keep a decent job. My failures as a husband and now as a father are piling up. I didn’t have to lie about the porn but I lied about the our finances about everything just to save face.

I still carried the shame and guilt of the past but now I am stacking it deeper and deeper. My knees are buckling under the weight of the chains. I can’t even stand up straight.

I get caught in lies. I still lie. Name something. I have lied about it.

All of that and I love porn. All of that and I rather not do nothing all night but play video games.

I still waiting for the husband and father of the year awards.

But again, this is normal. I read about other guys struggling with the same stuff I do. At least I am not wallowing in self-pity and despair.

I was so concentrated on trying to be normal and making sure that my son would never experienced what I experienced that I sacrificed it all. Excellence, God, purity, everything.

When it comes to breaking cycles, it goes beyond not repeating the abuse. In my life, I didn’t know how to live the life that God gave me. I didn’t know how to be the husband according to God. I didn’t know how to be the father like my Father. I didn’t know how to be a friend like my Friend.

That striving for normalcy and effected our marriage to the point that she was trying to find ways where I would leave her.

It was about this time where I had a day by myself in our home and I just cried to God all day on my knees to help me to save my marriage.

She cheated on me. With a woman.

It was about this time, I was in company again of godly men. I asked them, “What should I do?” Their response, “Don’t leave your wife. Whatever happens, don’t leave. You stay.”

It was about this time my wife was in the company of just women. She told them, “I have cheated on him and he still won’t leave. I should leave him, right?”. Their response, “You don’t have a choice, you got to leave.”

She tells me ahead of time she is leaving me on this certain day: December 15, 2005.

I Could Not Dwell In The Presence Of The Almighty

Now on December 15, 2005, I am left with nothing.

For one day, I went to work. I came home. I felt sorry for myself. I went to bed by 6PM. I was sleeping on an air mattress on the floor.

I got up the next morning at 5PM. I made a list of goals I need to accomplish:

1. Develop a personal relationship with God, whatever that means
2. Try to work on a relationship with my ex-wife so that we are not always stepping on eggshells around our son
3. Be the best father I could possibly be to my son, however that is done
4. Be thoroughly invested in the lives of my friends, care for them and love them as much as I possibly could

My friends, new and old, rallied around me. They will never know how much I loved them and wish nothing but the best for them. Without them, I am not sure where I would be at today.

My new job was great.

I was meeting all sorts of people.

Life was pretty good.

On the night of January 19, 2006, after I just laid my son down, my wife proceeds to tell me that that she left me on the premise that after two years and if I haven’t found a new girlfriend, that we might be able to reconcile our marriage.

I might have been a terrible husband but not even I would cheat on my wife during our seperation. Actually, what should she expect of me?

If. I. haven’t. found. a. new. girlfriend.

For the first time in our time ever, I exploded.

If you ever seen a 6 foot 5 inch, 300lb guy lose his head, I got to imagine it is a sight to behold.

I drove home through wave of tears. I was suppose to workout with my brother. I was squatting 600lbs and leg pressing 1300lbs that night.

The next morning, she called me while I was on my way to work. You got to be kidding me. My end of the conversation went like this:

“Hello… yea… okay…”

I hung up my cell phone by throwing it down on the floor as I could and it bounces up over the front seat and gets lost somewhere in my car all day.

I went into work. Fuming. I told a friend that I was pretty pissed and I didn’t want to go stomping around work. I asked her if she saw me upset or mad that if she could give me a heads up.

Later that day, she calls out, “Hey Joe!” and gives me the goofiest face ever.

Man, I love my friends.

The year of 2006 got better and better.

I accomplished goals 2, 3 and 4.

I still didn’t know how to accomplish number 1.

Still life was good.

Yea, I was still addicted to porn

Yea, I was still bitter towards my father.

Yea, I was still angry at my ex-wife.

But all things considering, life was good.

God Is Sending His Very Best After Me

Year 2007 rolls around.

I am taking a lot of church invites. Went to Potter’s House, Fellowship Church, Prestonwood Church, Irving Bible Church. Went to my old home church. Went to smaller churches.

They were all well and good. But not compelled to stay at any of them. I keep telling myself I need more meat. I keep saying I need something substantial. I got to be feed. The church should be here for me.

I move to from Grapevine (suburb of Fort Worth) to Dallas. After moving to Dallas, I get invited by who would be one of my best friends through all of this, Court, to a church in Southlake, Texas called Gateway Church. Sure I will entertain this. Oh hum, a megachurch in the rich part of town. No, I am not going to be connected. No, I am not going to like it.

But Court is a cool guy. Why not.

My son and I attended one weekend service in the beginning of April.

Wow, not bad. Wow, this pastor is a great shepherd. Wow, this pastor assumes we are reading our Bible. No, I don’t know what he is talking about. Where is that at in the Bible? Dang it!

At least I know where Habakkuk is at in the Bible. No, don’t ask me about it.

Hmm, not bad. Too bad I won’t be going here.

Court invites me out next weekend. That ain’t a arm twister. Why not? This is a great church.

Next weekend, we went to Gateway again. I tried be critical and I tried to pick it apart both sermons. I couldn’t.

Got invited again but this time I insisted that I couldn’t go.

The following Saturday after, my son and I was rolling through the greater Dallas / Fort Worth metroplex when this question pops up from my son:

Son: Daddy, can we go to my church?
Dad: Uh yea, son… hmm… errr… what church are we talking about?
Son: The one with the cross on the top
((Dad thinks to himself, “How does he know about the Cross?”))
Dad: There are a lot of churches with crosses on top
((Dad knows which one son is refering to))
Son: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ONE WE WENT TO LAST WEEK WITH YOUR FRIEND COURT

Apparently, my son sent out the memo that we have already found a church to call home. I just haven’t checked my email just yet.

But Gateway did become my home.

I certainly didn’t expect to fall in love but I did.

The Best That I Could Do

Still, I am wrestling with lying, pissed, bitter and lust and losing.

All of these things have taken root within me. They have become my stronghold and fortress. A castle, yes but built on sand.

I had convinced myself that I was allowed to be all of these things because my wife left me. My wife cheated on me. My wife didn’t want to be married anymore.

I did everything I could to keep our marriage together in the end. I did everything that I thought mattered. A house, great job, a great father. I did it all and she didn’t do a damn thing.

This is all of her fault. All of it.

I am blameless.

For who is going to blame me for how my life would turn out?

My father molested me. My stepmom didn’t even feed us.

For who can blame me for how my life would turn out?

Even if I failed, it was because life was stacked against me.

All of this and I gotta say life was pretty good.

No it wasn’t.

I look at it all. I look at my life. Something is not right.

I am looking at all the things wrong and I am blaming others.

I am looking at all things and I now realized one actual fact that transcends everything:

This is the best that I can do.

Divorce.

Lust.

Exploiting women for my financial gain.

Bitterness.

Resentment.

Anger.

Frustration.

Confusion.

This is the absolute best that I can do in this life. It doesn’t get better than this.

I spoke to a friend of friend of mine for pastoral counseling at Gateway about my situation with my divorce. In an off-topic discussion, he tells me a story:

One day, he and his wife got into a huge argument. It was so bad that they went to bed angry. She went to bed first. Later on, he went to lay beside her. He prays to God, “God, you have to show me how to love her and how you see her because at this very moment, I cannot even stand being next to her.

He falls asleep. In the middle of the night, he wakes up and sits straight up in bed.

In the room, there is a beautiful glow coming from some light source. That light source happens to be his wife sleeping right next to him.

Her skin and hair was so beautiful. He thought to himself, “Maybe I could touch her skin?”. He reaches out, touches her and this wave of warmness flows through his body. He thinks further, “Maybe I could just kiss her…” as he leans in and kisses her on her shoulder. With that kiss, what could only be described as beautiful and wonderful love overwhelmed his body.

God spoke to him and said, “This is how I see your wife. This is how I see you. This is how much I love you. This is how much your love means to me.”

The next Monday, I had the day off. Not much of a day off since it was rainy cats and dogs.

I watch some porn on my computer.

Yes, some reason I am compelled to purchase some praise and worship CDs. Other than Tim Hughes’ Here I Am To Worship, I had nothing.

Tim Hughes’ When Silence Falls, Gateway Worship’s Living For You and Hillsong United’s All Of The Above.

On the way back, I started to think about what my pastor’s story about his wife.

I wondered, “What if I was able to see everybody like my pastor saw his wife? To see everybody like God sees us.”

I blinked, what seemed like an eternity. When I opened my eyes again, I saw what my pastor saw. All I saw was beauty and love and it simply overwhelmed me.

Then I thought, “How does God see that one porn actress… that… I… just… saw… oh… shi…”

Here I Am To Bow Down

God loved that porn actress & porn actor.

God loved my child molesting father.

God loved my ex-wife.

God loved me.

And His grace was sufficient to save us all.

And His death on the cross saved me.

I walked into my apartment, fell to my knees and I prayed:

Dear God,

I suck at this. I suck at living this life You have given me. I have pissed it all away. I don’t know what I am doing.

The best I can do with my life: lust, hatred, divorce, anger, bitterness… I lay it at Your feet. I cannot handle it anymore.

My life is Yours. Take it now.

I don’t know if You can fix me a piece of shit like me. I don’t want to go on living if I have to live without You. But if You can use this piece of crap, then I am Yours forever.

You tell me what I need to do and I will not flinch. My life is only worth something if I am serving You alone.

I don’t cared about being healed. I don’t care about being made whole. I don’t care about being made righteous. I don’t care about being made holy.

All I want is to serve You. All I want to do is to love You.

I am not moving without You.

Take me.

Wouldn’t you know?

God reached down and with one touch, He shattered every chain that wrapped around me. God reached for my heart and made it new. God healed me from all the shames, guilts and wounds I carried. God reached down, picked me up and love on me like nobody else could.

In other words, I don’t wrestle with lust. I don’t wrestle with porn. When I gave it all up to God, everything that I struggled with, everything, He took it from me and simply took care of it.

I have not seen a nude body in one year. I saw the back of a lingerie catalog and it was like I was 10 years old. Like I have never seen a nude or even semi-nude female body before. I knew that sight was going to be reserved for whomever my wife will be if it is God’s will for me to marry again.

It is not like God did a reset on me. It is that God made me a new being all over again.

You want to know what’s better than that?

God took this piece of trash and the very best that I can possibly do and turned into into what He does best: receiving all the glory. No one else can possible lay claim to what He has done in my life.

For God is the only one who heals.

For God alone is righteous.

For God alone is holy.

For God alone is worthy of all of our praise.

For God alone is good.

If you have read this series this far, don’t think for a second that God is too small or too aloof to make you complete and new and heal you from all of your wounds.

Jeremiah 32:27 “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?

The answer to that would be an astounding “No”.

Let me tell you about my God.

My God is the Creator of heaven, earth and hell.  He created the all the gorgeous landscapes, the water we drink, the dirt beneath our feet and the air we breathe.  He created all the creatures of the land and the sea, the birds in the air and even the creepy crawly things under the ground.

God also lovingly created you and me, male and female in His image and likeness with value, worth and purpose.  He created us, living, breathing, feeling, intelligent human beings with a will to freely choose.  God then set eternity into our hearts in order that we worship Him by enjoying Him forever.

However, in our own folly, by birth and by choice, we instead chose to worship created things and people and places and ideas rather than the God in heaven.  Our original parents, Adam and Eve, fell for the false preaching of Satan in that we can be own god and that we can worship ourselves, save ourselves and live independently apart from God.

It was in that fall that we replaced God with ourselves and whatever else we wanted to worship rather than God.  In essence, we substituted the Creator for created things.

But God was not phased by this at all.  From eternity past to eternity future, He already set forth the plan in motion to bring those who would trust in Him back to Him.

That is when the Son of God, Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man, came into human history as a little bitty baby born to a unwed teenage virgin girl named Mary in some po’dunk town of Bethlehem.  A carpenter named Joseph married this teenage girl while she was knocked up with a kid that wasn’t even his and then proceeds to adopt this baby boy.

Jesus grew up and lived the perfect life that we should have lived, though he faced the same trials, tribulations, heartbreaks and temptations as we do in every way.

From the eternal glory of Heaven, Jesus came down to this broken world as a missionary from heaven to do one thing: do whatever it takes to bring His people back to Himself.  He was going to do it all in order restore everything back to beginning of creation.

He will do it all for the sake of His name and for His glory alone.

He is called Son of Man because while he was fully God, he was also fully man.

He is called the Good Shepherd because only the Good Shepherd lays his life down for His sheep.

He is called Son of God for He fully submits Himself to the will of His Father by the power of His Holy Spirit.

He is called Immanuel because He is God who is with us.

He is called I Am because even before all of creation and after this world burns away, He is God.

He always knew who you are.  Knew you so well, he knows the number of hairs on your head.

He always loved you.  Loved you so much, that nothing was going to stop Him from carrying out His mission.

He was the only one who is God that could become man to dwell among us.

He was the only one that was able to save us by living the perfect life.

He was the only one whom was willing to save us because he would be the ultimate sacrifice for all of mankind.

He assumed all of our obligations.

Because of our sins, our wrongdoings and our iniquities, we are forever separated from God.  For our sins, One would have to pay the price in order for us to be saved to God.

Jesus Christ knew us well.  He knew our failures, our sins, the things that have happened to us, the lies we believe, everything about us.  Yet, He loves us so much.

He loves us so much.

For all of those who would change their minds about about their sins and confess that Jesus Christ is their Lord and their God, Jesus Christ mindfully remembers and dwells on each of our sins and proceeds to give His life up as ransom as a sheep to be slaughtered.

He thinks of those who would call on His name for to be saved and allows His back to be cut up like raw beef, His beard to be ripped off of his face, a crown of thorns torn into his skull, spit upon, mocked at, stripped naked and after all of that, bear a heavy wooden cross up a hill.

He remembers how far His people are from Him and he lets 13 inch spikes nailed through his hands and feet to be nailed to a cross.

He knows those who would cry out in desperation and he hung himself on that tree as his body poured out sweat, blood, tears, urine and feces.  A spear was pierced through his ribcage as water and blood poured out of his broken heart.

He cries out to the Father in heaven, “Forgive them, for they do not know what they have done”.  In one moment of weakness, he thirsts as someone takes a sponge that was used as toilet paper soaked with urine, feces and vinegar shoves it to the mouth of Christ as Christ preaches his last sermon and ultimately declares, “It is finished!”.  At this moment, the Father pours His wrath out to kill His only begotten son.

For our sins.

For only those who would know Him as Lord and God over their lives.

But…

Jesus Christ, being perfect in righteousness only stayed dead for 3 days.  He went into the ground taking all of my sins that I committed as a sinner and all the sins committed against me.

It was upon His finished work on the cross that He absorbed the wrath of God that was meant for me and wiped away all my sins that I could not do on my own no matter how good I thought I was or how much I helped others or how often I went to church or how often I prayed or all the good works that I have done.

He died the death that I should have died.

He rose from the grave so that I might be fully alive.

For those have been saved by God and trust in His Son, we are commissioned to do one thing: by the power and might of His Spirit, to go to the ends of the earth and tell others about this amazingly good news that there is a God that does not demand for you to a bunch of things to please Him but rather, He is the one who passionately, relentlessly pursues you.

And now, my Savior, Jesus Christ, rules and reigns over every square inch of creation.

That means everything. Every religion. Every thought.  Every idea.  Every government. Every king. Every leader.  Every race. Every tongue. Every tribe. Every color. Every neighborhood. Every home. Every yard. Every street corner. All those living and all those whom died.

He is simply King of kings and Lord of lords.

He will return one day to judge the living and the dead.

There will be those who stand proudly with their heads held high and will say, “Look at all the good things I have done in your name.  Look how much money I gave.  Look at what I did.  I am good enough to be with you.”

To them, He will dismiss them because He never knew them.

But there will be those who dare not lift their eyes upon Him.  Those who would cry rivers of tears in their despair.  Those who would have their hearts broken over the evil in their own hearts.  In their life, they were complete sinners.  They were the worst of the worst.  Yet, in complete anguish, they cried out, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!”  They, too, will stand before their Lord and adamantly declared, “Lord, I have done nothing to save myself.  The only thing that can save me is the blood that You shed on the cross.  You are my only hope.  You are the only one who could have saved me.  I had nothing but You alone.”

It is then, for those who called upon Christ as their Lord, that Jesus will lift up even the lowliest person and bring Him face to face and tenderly declares, “You are mine. You are mine. I love you. I always have loved you and I will always will love you.  You get to be with me and I will be with You and nothing could have or ever will separate us. I love you.”

You ask me, “What do I believe?”.  That is what I believe. I believe in Jesus.