I am in the Air Force.

My dad and stepmom were so sure of their innocence that they take their case to court. The courts then sentences them to life in prison.

Wow, that should have healed me and made me normal.

Why do I still have all this bitterness, coldness, darkness and hopelessness inside?

Why would it be effortless for me to kill my dad with my bare hands at any given notice? Why would I feel that way for the next 14 years?

My boss finds out about the sentencing of my dad and stepmom and schedules the base psychologist and the base chaplain for ongoing sessions for me.

I ended up dating the chaplain’s daughter. That was pretty cool.

Unrelated to dating the chaplain’s daughter (the colonel was cool with it), my Air Force career ended short.

Again, score one for trying to remain normal.

I come back home.

I figure out computers are easy.

I start fixing them. On a server level. They called me a “Systems Administrator” or “Pro Geek”. Either way it was money in my pocket.

I met one girl. Preacher’s kid so she has to be saved, right? Of course.

While I was dating her, I started getting into this book “Left Behind”. (I am not even bother to linking it because everybody and their mothers has read the series.)

While I was reading this book, I was getting to the parts where these fictional characters were accepting salvation. I started to cry. (Insert comparisons to Jeremiah here).

My girlfriend’s response to that, “I swear if YOU EVER become a pastor, minister or whatever the f*ck, I will divorce your ass in a heartbeat.”

Someone whispered into my heart: “You should be a pastor. You should minister to others. You could lead the lost home.”

My response, “Hell no. I can’t do that. That is for men of God. I am just saved. I am not qualified.”

I pushed that Whisper out.

I ended up marrying this girl.

Since I know how to run servers and in combination with my porn addiction, I started into the porn industry.

First it started with all things tech. But people I worked with started noticing my people skills. I should do others things in the industry like talk to people.

I was neck deep into this manure.

No, I didn’t have close relationships with other Christians.

It was okay with my wife because I was bringing in more money into the family. Can’t you tell how wonderful of a husband I was when I am not even trying to lead our marriage?

Score another one for trying to be normal.

God gave us a son. Why in the hell He did that I am still trying to wrap my head around that till this day.

I am still neck deep.

But I can’t keep a decent job. My failures as a husband and now as a father are piling up. I didn’t have to lie about the porn but I lied about the our finances about everything just to save face.

I still carried the shame and guilt of the past but now I am stacking it deeper and deeper. My knees are buckling under the weight of the chains. I can’t even stand up straight.

I get caught in lies. I still lie. Name something. I have lied about it.

All of that and I love porn. All of that and I rather not do nothing all night but play video games.

I still waiting for the husband and father of the year awards.

But again, this is normal. I read about other guys struggling with the same stuff I do. At least I am not wallowing in self-pity and despair.

I was so concentrated on trying to be normal and making sure that my son would never experienced what I experienced that I sacrificed it all. Excellence, God, purity, everything.

When it comes to breaking cycles, it goes beyond not repeating the abuse. In my life, I didn’t know how to live the life that God gave me. I didn’t know how to be the husband according to God. I didn’t know how to be the father like my Father. I didn’t know how to be a friend like my Friend.

That striving for normalcy and effected our marriage to the point that she was trying to find ways where I would leave her.

It was about this time where I had a day by myself in our home and I just cried to God all day on my knees to help me to save my marriage.

She cheated on me. With a woman.

It was about this time, I was in company again of godly men. I asked them, “What should I do?” Their response, “Don’t leave your wife. Whatever happens, don’t leave. You stay.”

It was about this time my wife was in the company of just women. She told them, “I have cheated on him and he still won’t leave. I should leave him, right?”. Their response, “You don’t have a choice, you got to leave.”

She tells me ahead of time she is leaving me on this certain day: December 15, 2005.