I pray:

Lord, be gracious, be loving, be merciful enough to save my son from death.

Don’t stop chasing him.

Don’t stop wooing him.

Don’t give up on him.

Just like You didn’t give up on me.

For the blood You poured out on the cross, You are my beautiful, sovereign Jesus who loved me,

Amen.

Am I insane?  I like to think so.

I have taken very little college in my life.  That might be sort of surprising being how much I love taking classes back in high school (took 10 more credits then I needed to graduate) and how much I love to learn now especially when I live vicariously through college friends and love to help out with homework especially anything to do with Biblical studies.

(Then again it might be not so surprising to some given the huge amount of spelling and grammatical errors on this site )

In either case…

So yes, one of my desires to receive a Doctorate in Theology.

What would I do with it? No freakin’ clue.

Why would I want to accomplish such a feat?  Well for one, it is a challenge and I like to do things that seem impossible by me but I know that is quite possible if I depend on God.

Two, I am going to use one of my favorite scriptures to neatly sum up how I feel:

Proverbs 25:2 (ESV) It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out.

Now, I am not saying a Th.D would reveal all the secrets and mysteries of God here on earth.  I do figure it would be a good foundation to take a tiny little glimpse into the possibility of seeing the glory of God.  I figure if I keep tearing at it (it being studying God) that in some weird way, I would have the same awesome chance of seeing the glory of God much in the same way that Moses did back in Exodus 33:17-23.  Maybe I can not only feel his goodness but actually see it before my very eyes:

Exodus 33:19 (ESV) And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name The Lord. And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy.

But what good is it to ingest all that knowledge of God when it is just for yourself?  What good are the blessings of God when they stop at you and don’t continue to flow out to those around you?  What good is it for just a little ol’ puny, foolish, sinful man such as myself just to absorb all of goodness, holiness and righteousness of God and leave none for others in the world.

But then I reminded of what Paul wrote to Timothy:

2 Timothy 3:14-17 (ESV) But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

I just hope and pray to God that in all of this seeking that I will not be selfish and never want horde this wealth for myself.  If I see the glory of God, I want to do whatever it takes to make sure that others get to see His glory as well.

I desire (1 Timothy 3:1) an office.  More specifically:

Ephesians 4:11-14 (ESV) And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.

When God reached down and saved me, there is only one thing I cared about above being healed or even being made whole.  That is, I simply wanted to serve Him.  It was upon that gracious transformation, I thought instantly of this passage and thought, “Oh… well, here are my choices. Now, what do I want to be?  Hmm…”

I spoke to a friend about this and he said, “Well, one you don’t have to be in one of the offices in order to serve.”  Another friend gave me this advice, “It is not the title that you hold but whatever God equips you at the time and purpose for His glory.”  This kept my mind wide open in the opportunities to minister to others.  I asked God for help.  A oft prayer I spoke, “Lord, give me the opportunities to minister and speak for me when I have that chance to speak about You and Your love.”

That was a year and a half ago.

That desire to teach and to pastor?  Stronger than the day before.  I am scrambling to get my hands on anything that would get me closer to that goal.  Lectures, resources, sermons, books, blogs… you name it, I have read through.  I have craved and yearn to learn more and more… to equip me to be a better teacher and speaker of the word.  Anytime I can teach somebody about the Word of God, I do it.  I can’t count the hours I spent riding in the car trying to teach my 6 year old son about the death, buriel and resurrection of Jesus Christ or even try to wrap our minds around the concept of the Trinity.  One of the proudest moments in my life was going through and explaining the Song of Solomon to my grandmother.  When she said, “I just don’t understand why that book has to be in the Bible.”  Can you say, opportunity?

But the thought did cross my mind: what if I was never called to one of these titles?  What if I never work for a church or ministry and carry the title of “Teaching Pastor” or be known as a evangelist?

Then I read about Stephen starting in Acts 6:3 when they sought out the seven to serve…

Acts 6:3 (ESV) Therefore, brothers, pick out from among you seven men of good repute, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we will appoint to this duty.

Then we are introduced to Stephen as:

Acts 6:5 (ESV) And what they said pleased the whole gathering, and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit…

… and furthermore…

Acts 6:8 (ESV) And Stephen, full of grace and power…

Not identified as a teacher.

Not identified as a pastor.

Not identified as an evangelist.

Not identified as a prophet.

Not identified as an apostle.

Simply identify as one who was filled with the Holy Spirit was also full of wisdom, faith, grace, power and of good reputation.

I can hold titles all day but without these six godly traits, then whatever titles I might have or be known as are completely held in vain and my life gives no glory to our God.

It is only by the grace and strength of God that I can seek after Him and be known as a man of God by my actions and not by titles.

Then I realized this true desire of my heart: not to seek out titles, prestige, wealth or fame but just to be deemed worthy enough to be used by God to help build His kingdom.   If that meant I must serve God the rest of my days by lifting others up and caring and loving others or that even meant that my life were to end tomorrow, then so be it.  If God is truly glorified, then let my life be whatever He wants it be because He was was the One who made me worthy in the first place.

Over the last couple of months, I have been struggling to truly and clearly identify the desires of my heart.  I will read Psalm 37:4 and think, “Okay, I place God first in my life for He knows the desires of my heart and I don’t have to worry about them.”

But what are the desires of my heart?

Do I not want to worry? Sure.

Do I want health for me and my love ones? Absolutely.

Who doesn’t want these things?  But including and beyond that, should we not seek out that our desires line up with who God is and His will?

For a long, long time, I have read and memorize Jeremiah 17:9 and would be absolutely scared to even want to desire anything.  I would tuck those desires away, things like to be married again, family, my son’s soul to be saved, health, comfort, peace and just simply won’t speak of them and just hope and pray that all of those things line up with His heart.

Or even struggle with specific desires like my desire to be called to one of the offices in Ephesians 4:11-16, or even received a Doctorates in Theology.  What about those wishes?

Now, in recent months, I had to bring those desires out in the light and actually deal with them.  It was the scariest thing I had to ever do.  Just as I took my sin and temptations and addictions to God and say, “I can’t do this anymore… help me!”, so too that I had to take these desires and go to God and ask, “Is this right? Does this line up with Your will, Your heart and who You are? Help me.”

So, in no particular order, let me express the desires in my heart starting with…

Desire: That God be my inheritance and portion according to…

Numbers 18:20 (ESV) And the Lord said to Aaron, You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the people of Israel.

There have been many passages of scripture where I sit and think “Whoa”.  Other times, head scratching. Sometimes, laugh in joy.  Still others, cry.  But I kid you not when I read Numbers 18:20, I jumped and yelled, “THAT’S IT! THAT IS WHAT I WANT!  GOD, I WANT THAT. GIVE ME THAT. WHY CAN’T I HAVE IT!”

Lamborghini Murciélago?  Ferrari 456GT?  1999 Nissan Skyline GT-R?  Sure, I will take one of each.  Easy.

But pit anything here on earth versus letting God being your absolute provider is insane especially given that…

God is perfect.
God is good.
God always upholds his end of the promise even when we do not.

In other words, whatever He does will be perfect for me… even when I don’t see it as perfect.

Look how the richest man to ever lived, Solomon, asked God to provide for him in…

Proverbs 30:8-9 (ESV) Remove falsehood and lies far from me; Give me neither poverty nor riches— Feed me with the food allotted to me;

Lest I be full and deny You, And say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal, And profane the name of my God.

Essentially, Solomon was asking God to be God.  He was asking God to provide and be perfect and good in doing so.

My prayer:

Lord, how beautiful and holy is Your name.  I will take whatever draws me closer to You.  If You give so that I can give right back to You like You did for David in 1 Chronicles 29:14, then so be it.  But if you allure me to the wilderness like in Hosea 2:14, so be it.  You have to feed me by ravens, brooks and angels like you did for Elijah in 1 Kings 17:4, then so be it.  Because in my life, in my time, on this earth, it is not mine but thine Will alone.

It is in your wonderful and gracious name, Amen.