Over the last couple of months, I have been struggling to truly and clearly identify the desires of my heart.  I will read Psalm 37:4 and think, “Okay, I place God first in my life for He knows the desires of my heart and I don’t have to worry about them.”

But what are the desires of my heart?

Do I not want to worry? Sure.

Do I want health for me and my love ones? Absolutely.

Who doesn’t want these things?  But including and beyond that, should we not seek out that our desires line up with who God is and His will?

For a long, long time, I have read and memorize Jeremiah 17:9 and would be absolutely scared to even want to desire anything.  I would tuck those desires away, things like to be married again, family, my son’s soul to be saved, health, comfort, peace and just simply won’t speak of them and just hope and pray that all of those things line up with His heart.

Or even struggle with specific desires like my desire to be called to one of the offices in Ephesians 4:11-16, or even received a Doctorates in Theology.  What about those wishes?

Now, in recent months, I had to bring those desires out in the light and actually deal with them.  It was the scariest thing I had to ever do.  Just as I took my sin and temptations and addictions to God and say, “I can’t do this anymore… help me!”, so too that I had to take these desires and go to God and ask, “Is this right? Does this line up with Your will, Your heart and who You are? Help me.”

So, in no particular order, let me express the desires in my heart starting with…

Desire: That God be my inheritance and portion according to…

Numbers 18:20 (ESV) And the Lord said to Aaron, You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the people of Israel.

There have been many passages of scripture where I sit and think “Whoa”.  Other times, head scratching. Sometimes, laugh in joy.  Still others, cry.  But I kid you not when I read Numbers 18:20, I jumped and yelled, “THAT’S IT! THAT IS WHAT I WANT!  GOD, I WANT THAT. GIVE ME THAT. WHY CAN’T I HAVE IT!”

Lamborghini Murciélago?  Ferrari 456GT?  1999 Nissan Skyline GT-R?  Sure, I will take one of each.  Easy.

But pit anything here on earth versus letting God being your absolute provider is insane especially given that…

God is perfect.
God is good.
God always upholds his end of the promise even when we do not.

In other words, whatever He does will be perfect for me… even when I don’t see it as perfect.

Look how the richest man to ever lived, Solomon, asked God to provide for him in…

Proverbs 30:8-9 (ESV) Remove falsehood and lies far from me; Give me neither poverty nor riches— Feed me with the food allotted to me;

Lest I be full and deny You, And say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal, And profane the name of my God.

Essentially, Solomon was asking God to be God.  He was asking God to provide and be perfect and good in doing so.

My prayer:

Lord, how beautiful and holy is Your name.  I will take whatever draws me closer to You.  If You give so that I can give right back to You like You did for David in 1 Chronicles 29:14, then so be it.  But if you allure me to the wilderness like in Hosea 2:14, so be it.  You have to feed me by ravens, brooks and angels like you did for Elijah in 1 Kings 17:4, then so be it.  Because in my life, in my time, on this earth, it is not mine but thine Will alone.

It is in your wonderful and gracious name, Amen.