I Am Living Proof

My blogosphere-yet-soon-to-meet-in-real-life friend, Cindy Beall, tagged me two weeks ago.

It is sorta fresh on my brain thanks to another blogosphere friend, Crystal Renaud, who challenged us admitting our strengths. So already, I am in the mindset on how God created me uniquely.

I won’t take the easy route of redirecting people to my testimony because that would be way too easy. If you read my testimony, you essentially know who I am. There is no secret left to be revealed.

But what makes up the day-to-day Joe? How do my friends perceived me? How do strangers perceived me?

So in that, I pick 10 things to share about me. Some facts, some personal observations about myself and from friends.

1. I am big and tall. 240lbs and standing around 6′5″.
2. I don’t eat a lot of sweets. I can always do without them. I rather have a second helping of pot roast rather than to have dessert.
3. I love food. I love all cuisines. I love to cook.
4. I have too much hair (see insert). It is getting chopped back this Saturday at 9AM CT.
5. I think I get stinky especially when it gets hot and Texas always has hot summers. My friends promise me that I am not stinky. It is not something I worry about but I definitely do ponder over it.
6. One of those same friends describe me as new like the springtime. That is one of the best compliments ever.
7. I am about to take singing lessons so I can technically sing well during worship services. Pray for my teacher. Seriously.
8. As big of a geek as I am, I never buy any technology that has just hit the streets for the first time. I just like waiting until all the bugs are out of it.
9. I am a social butterfly.
10. When I am at work, I am always barefoot. I kick my shoes and socks off almost immediately.

So tag, you’re it:

Tam

Brent

Minda

Chelsea

Ashley

Joe Louthan, a mere slave to the One who is Christ Jesus our Lord.

No glory will be given to me but to the One who some call Adonai El Shaddai. While others call Him the Lord is our Righteousness, our Standard, our Deliverer, our Shield, our Sun, our Strong Tower, our Refuge, our Healer, our Peace, our Strength, our Joy, our Endurance and our Shepherd. Still others call Him our Saviour King. To all, He will be known as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Born on May 17, 1975, to American soldier and a Korean waitress in Carswell AFB (near Fort Worth), Texas. Oldest of six children which includes two brothers and three sisters. Raised by paternal grandmother after parents divorced when Joe was 5 years old and lived with his dad until 12 years old.

Joe has one son, Yusef and is a member of Gateway Church in Southlake, TX.

His full, albeit concise, testimony can be found here in its entirety in the post called, One Year Ago.

God loved that porn actress & porn actor.

God loved my child molesting father.

God loved my ex-wife.

God loved me.

And His grace was sufficient to save us all.

And His death on the cross saved me.

I walked into my apartment, fell to my knees and I prayed:

Dear God,

I suck at this. I suck at living this life You have given me. I have pissed it all away. I don’t know what I am doing.

The best I can do with my life: lust, hatred, divorce, anger, bitterness… I lay it at Your feet. I cannot handle it anymore.

My life is Yours. Take it now.

I don’t know if You can fix me a piece of shit like me. I don’t want to go on living if I have to live without You. But if You can use this piece of crap, then I am Yours forever.

You tell me what I need to do and I will not flinch. My life is only worth something if I am serving You alone.

I don’t cared about being healed. I don’t care about being made whole. I don’t care about being made righteous. I don’t care about being made holy.

All I want is to serve You. All I want to do is to love You.

I am not moving without You.

Take me.

Wouldn’t you know?

God reached down and with one touch, He shattered every chain that wrapped around me. God reached for my heart and made it new. God healed me from all the shames, guilts and wounds I carried. God reached down, picked me up and love on me like nobody else could.

In other words, I don’t wrestle with lust. I don’t wrestle with porn. When I gave it all up to God, everything that I struggled with, everything, He took it from me and simply took care of it.

I have not seen a nude body in one year. I saw the back of a lingerie catalog and it was like I was 10 years old. Like I have never seen a nude or even semi-nude female body before. I knew that sight was going to be reserved for whomever my wife will be if it is God’s will for me to marry again.

It is not like God did a reset on me. It is that God made me a new being all over again.

You want to know what’s better than that?

God took this piece of trash and the very best that I can possibly do and turned into into what He does best: receiving all the glory. No one else can possible lay claim to what He has done in my life.

For God is the only one who heals.

For God alone is righteous.

For God alone is holy.

For God alone is worthy of all of our praise.

For God alone is good.

If you have read this series this far, don’t think for a second that God is too small or too aloof to make you complete and new and heal you from all of your wounds.

This is the same God who laid the foundations of the earth with one hand and stretched the heavens with the other (Isaiah 48:13). The very God who knows the exact number of the stars in the sky and gave them all names (Psalm 147:4).

The same God who knew you before you were born (Psalm 139.13-16). The same God who sent His only Son to die on the cross so that you would not have to die but live forever (John 3:16). The same God who promised us that we would not be comfortless but sent His very Spirit to comfort us in our time of need (John 14:16-18).

Jeremiah 32:27 “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?

The answer to that would be an astounding “No”.

But know this much: the Almighty God has to be the Lord over you and first in your life. No other gods, ideas, thoughts, wishes, dreams or ideas can come before Him. It is against His very nature to not be in first place in your life.

I promise you, if you let Him be your God in all and all, He will absolutely comfort you, provide for you, strengthen you, give you endurance, give you joy and give you love.

I know this because I am absolute living proof of all the promises that are listed in God’s Word.

I am not special. I am not ordain. I am not set aside for something special. Simply, I love God with all of my heart and soul and I am fully obedient to His will.

Our God is mighty to save us all.

Still, I am wrestling with lying, pissed, bitter and lust and losing.

All of these things have taken root within me. They have become my stronghold and fortress. A castle, yes but built on sand.

I had convinced myself that I was allowed to be all of these things because my wife left me. My wife cheated on me. My wife didn’t want to be married anymore.

I did everything I could to keep our marriage together in the end. I did everything that I thought mattered. A house, great job, a great father. I did it all and she didn’t do a damn thing.

This is all of her fault. All of it.

I am blameless.

For who is going to blame me for how my life would turn out?

My father molested me. My stepmom didn’t even feed us.

For who can blame me for how my life would turn out?

Even if I failed, it was because life was stacked against me.

All of this and I gotta say life was pretty good.

No it wasn’t.

I look at it all. I look at my life. Something is not right.

I am looking at all the things wrong and I am blaming others.

I am looking at all things and I now realized one actual fact that transcends everything:

This is the best that I can do.

Divorce.

Lust.

Exploiting women for my financial gain.

Bitterness.

Resentment.

Anger.

Frustration.

Confusion.

This is the absolute best that I can do in this life. It doesn’t get better than this.

I spoke to a friend of friend of mine for pastoral counseling at Gateway about my situation with my divorce. In an off-topic discussion, he tells me a story:

One day, he and his wife got into a huge argument. It was so bad that they went to bed angry. She went to bed first. Later on, he went to lay beside her. He prays to God, “God, you have to show me how to love her and how you see her because at this very moment, I cannot even stand being next to her.

He falls asleep. In the middle of the night, he wakes up and sits straight up in bed.

In the room, there is a beautiful glow coming from some light source. That light source happens to be his wife sleeping right next to him.

Her skin and hair was so beautiful. He thought to himself, “Maybe I could touch her skin?”. He reaches out, touches her and this wave of warmness flows through his body. He thinks further, “Maybe I could just kiss her…” as he leans in and kisses her on her shoulder. With that kiss, what could only be described as beautiful and wonderful love overwhelmed his body.

God spoke to him and said, “This is how I see your wife. This is how I see you. This is how much I love you. This is how much your love means to me.”

The next Monday, I had the day off. Not much of a day off since it was rainy cats and dogs.

I watch some porn on my computer.

Yes, some reason I am compelled to purchase some praise and worship CDs. Other than Tim Hughes’ Here I Am To Worship, I had nothing.

Tim Hughes’ When Silence Falls, Gateway Worship’s Living For You and Hillsong United’s All Of The Above.

On the way back, I started to think about what my pastor’s story about his wife.

I wondered, “What if I was able to see everybody like my pastor saw his wife? To see everybody like God sees us.”

I blinked, what seemed like an eternity. When I opened my eyes again, I saw what my pastor saw. All I saw was beauty and love and it simply overwhelmed me.

Then I thought, “How does God see that one porn actress… that… I… just… saw… oh… shi…”

Year 2007 rolls around.

I am taking a lot of church invites. Went to Potter’s House, Fellowship Church, Prestonwood Church, Irving Bible Church. Went to my old home church. Went to smaller churches.

They were all well and good. But not compelled to stay at any of them. I keep telling myself I need more meat. I keep saying I need something substantial. I got to be feed. The church should be here for me.

I move to from Grapevine (suburb of Fort Worth) to Dallas. After moving to Dallas, I get invited by who would be one of my best friends through all of this, Court, to a church in Southlake, Texas called Gateway Church. Sure I will entertain this. Oh hum, a megachurch in the rich part of town. No, I am not going to be connected. No, I am not going to like it.

But Court is a cool guy. Why not.

My son and I attended one weekend service in the beginning of April.

Wow, not bad. Wow, this pastor is a great shepherd. Wow, this pastor assumes we are reading our Bible. No, I don’t know what he is talking about. Where is that at in the Bible? Dang it!

At least I know where Habakkuk is at in the Bible. No, don’t ask me about it.

Hmm, not bad. Too bad I won’t be going here.

Court invites me out next weekend. That ain’t a arm twister. Why not? This is a great church.

Next weekend, we went to Gateway again. I tried be critical and I tried to pick it apart both sermons. I couldn’t.

Got invited again but this time I insisted that I couldn’t go.

The following Saturday after, my son and I was rolling through the greater Dallas / Fort Worth metroplex when this question pops up from my son:

Son: Daddy, can we go to my church?
Dad: Uh yea, son… hmm… errr… what church are we talking about?
Son: The one with the cross on the top
((Dad thinks to himself, “How does he know about the Cross?”))
Dad: There are a lot of churches with crosses on top
((Dad knows which one son is refering to))
Son: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ONE WE WENT TO LAST WEEK WITH YOUR FRIEND COURT

Apparently, my son sent out the memo that we have already found a church to call home. I just haven’t checked my email just yet.

But Gateway did become my home.

I certainly didn’t expect to fall in love but I did.